I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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