Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
