Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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