maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
