I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So much Jack, so little girl.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
