first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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