Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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