The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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