the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
