turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
