I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
