evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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