just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
