The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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