I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
