Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
