My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
