I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
