if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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