I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
