It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
