i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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