I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He felt like a one man threesome
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
