So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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