When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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