I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
