Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
