everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
