My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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