I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
