he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
