Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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