On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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