I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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