i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
