Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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