I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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