An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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