Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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