it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
