remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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