I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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