And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
