she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
