We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
