Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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