Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
