Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
