my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
honey bunches of taint.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
