That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
