I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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