Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
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PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
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Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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