My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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