i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
