I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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