So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
