I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bag of teeth...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I currently don't understand fingers.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize