i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
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It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
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Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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