I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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