I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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