I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
