I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
if only i could text you this smell
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
