I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
