I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
