Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
