Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
